Robin was brought up by his mother and his grandma, hardly knew his father at all, who had walked out in rebellion at what he thought was a total matriarchy. The little lad was somewhat lost, and very often felt alone, although he was most attentively cared for, some might say almost smothered. He didn’t feel like he had a life of his own.
As a teen, he took to drugs – smoking marijuana led to trying cocaine, and Robin soon found he was hooked. He got away with leaving school and doing a menial job, nothing more was expected. Meditation for recovery makes him avoid all these kinds of things.
Encouraged to follow artistic pursuits, it didn’t bother his mother that around the house were half-finished paintings, sketches – and bits of wire and plaster that were the beginnings of creative sculpture, never to be finished. She fondly imagined he’d be an artist one day – but never encouraged him to make any effort.
Robin met Charlene on the internet, and they chatted together for months. Charlene suggested they might meet up, and so one day arrived at Robin’s home to be warmly greeted by his mother and grandma and taken in as one of the family.
Robin and Charlene got engaged, lived together in a room in Robin’s mother’s house – Robin lost interest in doing his artworks, and got more into going out of an evening to use some cocaine with his friends, leaving the “women” to chat and gossip among themselves.
Then there was a question of marriage, and where Robin might want to live. He and Charlene went off to live in a small apartment but it didn’t last very long. Robin’s wages didn’t extend to paying rent and doing cocaine – in any case, he might as well have stayed home – mother and grandma were round every day – with food, to help with the washing, to do some cleaning, and drink cups of tea with Charlene.
Moving back to mother’s and doing cocaine seemed like the logical thing to do. Eventually, mother and grandma got together, put down a deposit and bought a house just around the corner. They would put tenants in until Robin was ready to set up home. Soon after that Robin lost his job so the tenants continued to stay on.
Robin went from job to job for a while before starting work at a local art gallery, run by a friend of his mother. One day Charlene discovered that she was pregnant so hasty plans were made for marriage, and to move the tenant’s out so that they could set up house.
Things were fine for a while until tension started to flare – Robin didn’t want mother and grandma around his place every day – he got angry and resentful, and for the first time he used cocaine around the house, and didn’t care that it upset Charlene.
She told him that if he didn’t stop using it she would go back to live with his mother, and then the baby was born that provided them with a distraction until Robin suddenly lost his job again.
There was an accusation that he had taken money that he fiercely denied, and it caused a rift with his mother’s friend that made his mother unhappy. Keep this up without a job, and you’ll have to come back home – I need you or a tenant to pay some rent – I can’t afford to pay for the house on my own complained Robin’s mother – her pleas fell on deaf ears, Robin had decided at some level that marriage and paying rent was not his style – he spent more time with a couple of friends who were into selling cocaine.
One night Robin was at a pub and his father was there. Seeing Robin he came right over and asked him how he was going. Sound’s like the same Robin’s Nest that I had to put up with when I lived with your mother, was his father’s only comment – said good luck and was on his way. Meeting up with his father happened now and then – Robin didn’t even arrange to meet up with his father – it made him too depressed.
After meeting up with his father, a sort of total depression set in – Robin went back to his house, to find his wife had taken the baby over to his mother’s where she was staying the night.
The house seemed empty to Robin. Empty – no one around – Robin felt a sort of fear. He used some cocaine and paced around – the whole world seemed to be surrounding him, caving in.
He found his depression interrupted by thoughts that were starting to race, and chase around in his head. It had happened a few times before – and got him pretty frightened, feeling so out of control. His heart was pounding, he wanted to cry, couldn’t stop these crazy thoughts that kept going round in his head.
Alone, alone – it filled him with fear. To be for once on his own was the one thing that Robin wanted – but couldn’t bear to be.
Alone, alone – he felt the rising tide of another panic attack.
He ran the whole way to his mother’s house, stood to shake at the door – he hated himself for running back home, knew there was nowhere else. He’d go to his room, do a line – and feel safe – back in Robin’s Nest.